


Pockmarks Incognito

by CMi (CmiMiu)



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Amnesia, Anger, Angry Sex, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Crying, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Drunk Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, First Love, First Time, Flashbacks, Forgiveness, Guilt, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Heavy Drinking, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Made Myself Cry, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Memories, Memory Loss, Misunderstandings, OT6, Pain, Panic, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Physical Abuse, Platonic Relationships, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Redemption, Sacrifice, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Sacrifice, Sexual Abuse, Tearjerker, Tears, Temporary Amnesia, Virginity, guilty, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-19 12:28:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13704474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CmiMiu/pseuds/CMi
Summary: He was raped.He had raped.But nothing changed. And everything did.





	1. And though this is purely a blemish; a pockmark,

**Author's Note:**

> So. Before anything I would to clear some things up.
> 
> Did you read the Warnings? No? GO READ IT NOW!
> 
> Okay. I see you're back.  
> Please please PLEASE keep in mind that this is just a FanFic.  
> It does not represent (and doesn't relate to) any person dead or alive.
> 
> I know of that I am taking my characters based on BAP members but I am merely making an assumption on how I THINK they would behave in the situations portrayed in the story.  
> These are based on their personalities (the ones we see) only and bare no resemblance to the actual artists.
> 
> This story includes Rape and NO! I'm not trying to glorify it. But this is merely a story. Please take it at Face Value ONLY! Also, my warnings mind sound a little too much, you might've read more severe fics. But please bear in mind that this work has a Trigger Warning and is rated Explicit. I don't want any fingers pointed at me.
> 
> This is just a child from my idle and once depressed mind. (It is actually a remake of another story I had written a long while ago.)
> 
> Now. Since you've all read that I assume I will not be getting any hate and that I've fairly warned every reader with what is about to come.
> 
> If you think you can not handle this PLEASE WALK AWAY.
> 
> On that note, those who choose to proceed, please do so with an open mind.
> 
> Thankyou.  
> Love,  
> Myself.

"Ju- Ju- Junhong..." the elder tried to touch the boy who was sitting in the corner of the room, balled up into a crying mess. When he got closer, Junhong flinched and recoiled at the sight of the elder's hand hovering above his head. Junhong tried to further hide into the wall, if that was possible when Jongup crouched beside him. He tried to hide his face into the corner. Trying to hide himself as much as he could.

 

It pained the elder, to see Junhong shivering and sobbing uncontrollably in his presence. It pained Jongup to look at the long scars that ran down his friend’s back caused by his nails. It hurt to hear the younger boy whimper each time he moved causing his lower body to ache. And it felt horrible to know that he was the one who caused this.

 

Jongup inched a little closer only to hear a terrified whimper escape the boy's lips. Junhong's entire body was shaking and he was in fear of the elder.

 

His lips were bruised and red. Eyes puffy from no sleep and crying. His wrists had red, angry fingerprints of the elder's on them. And his back was scratched and bleeding.

A tear slipped down his eyes when the elder looked away from the sobbing boy to where he sat. Dried blood covered Junhong's thighs, pajamas and the floor beneath him.

 

The memories of the previous night out with their friends, streamed in front of Jongup's eyes, as he cried beside his sobbing friend.

 

_Flashback:_

" _Uppie?" Junhong asked when he opened the door. He looked at the time on his watch to find that it had been less than an hour when he had left the elder at his apartment._

 _Jongup_ _stumbled his way into the boy's apartment making him lose his footing for a moment. Hesitantly, Junhong closed the door and followed the elder boy in._

 

_"Mhuummhhh" grumbled the elder but Junhong couldn't make out what he said._

_With a raised eyebrow Junhong asked him, “I left you at the dorms, didn't I, Uppie? What are you doing here? How'd you get here?" Junhong moved closer towards the brunette and stood beside him repeating the question but was stopped mid-sentence._

 

_"Shut Up!" Shouted Jongup, clasping his ears as if they'd burned. He curled up his body as if Junhong’s voice was causing him to spontaneously develop a stomach ache._

 

_Panicked, Junhong leaned over the elder boy to examine what was wrong, concern lacing his forehead._

 

_Had Junhong known what was to happen next he wouldn't have ever opened the door that night._

 

_Jongup smacked his lips harshly against the younger boy’s as he roughly held his face in his hands. Junhong, surprised by the sudden kiss, stood still for a moment. Jongup was kissing him and though he’d imagine the moment several times in his mind, the scene right now was not how he’d wanted it to go. When he regained his bearings he firmly pushed the elder away steadying patting his chest that seemed to be containing a wild boar instead of a heart inside._

 

 _No, it wasn't his first kiss. But it was a kiss from Jongup. His not-so-secret-but-secret-enough crush. Too occupied in the moment Junhong walked the man_ _into his room, making sure not to wake Himchan, who was in the guest_ _room sleeping the drunken day out._

 

 _He led himself and the elder into his own room. Either ways_ _Junhong wasn't going to sleep for another two hours, he was planning on work on a song he’d been putting off working on for far too long. As he laid Jongup on his bed and made to move away, a hand clutched his wrist refusing to let go._

 

 _Jongup_ _stared at him in his drugged out stupor_ _before pulling him closer and right next to his sleeping frame. He leaned up on his elbows and softly kissed Junhong, who this time responded with a weak shove. His heart could resist the boy only for so long after all._

 

_The saint kisses soon turned to hungry, lusty ones as Jongup grabbed the boy's face in his hands and ran his tongue along his lower lip asking for entry. His hand travelling up his dress shirt with uncanny speed._

 

_Sensing something wrong Junhong tried to push the elder's hands away from groping his body but he found himself incapable of it. Junhong was by no means frail, that was true, but it was also true that Jongup was more buff than people ever got to see. And Junhong was tired. Very tired. He had been practicing the choreography for their new song five hours straight on an empty stomach that day before they’d all went out for drinks. So it was understood that he couldn't escape Jongup’s vice-like grip._

 

 _Fearing for worse Junhong started to hastily whisper, "Uppie! Jongup. You need to let go. You're not in you right mind! Jongup!” The elder ran his hands along the boy's jaw line._ _"Hyung, listen to me." His hand brushed the younger's nipple teasingly._ _"You need to sleep Jonguppie Hyung!" He brought his hand under Junhong's shirt, tracing his defined abs._ _"Stop it, Hyung!"_

 

 _Junhong shoved Jongup_ _away, managing to escape as he looked at the lust-filled eyes of his favorite Hyung. He gulped nervously and backing up_ _he said in a soothing way, "Hyung. Sleep, okay? You're not thinking straight. We'll discuss this in the morning."_

 _With that Junhong turned to leave but was stopped mid_ _-_ _turn. He looked at the hand that painfully gripped his arm. Junhong was just about to say something, when he was ruthlessly thrown on the bed. Jongup_ _pinned him to the mattress, pressing his lower body in. Junhong gulped, no longer hiding the fear that had started to build up and take over inside him, and stammered, "H-Hyung! Wake up, Hyung! Wake up! D-don't. Don't. I k-know… Know you w- won't." He looked into the eyes of the boy he’d always looked up to._

 

 _Once angelic, Jongup_ _'s eyes now looked demonic. "Y-you. You. You won't... Right, Hyung?" Junhong pleaded. He almost smiled at the thought that he would escape this, because Jongup had stopped moving entirely. Just staring at him with a dazed out look in his eyes. But, no._

 

 _Jongup_ _rubbed his lower region against Junhong’s and leaned down bringing his lips to the younger's ears, and whispered in an intoxicated slur. "You wanted this right, Junhongie?"_

 

_Junhong's blood ran cold. He wasn't even give a chance to react as the elder started undressing him against his will._

 

_Junhong yelled and yelled for help but no one came._

 

_His room was sound proof - their entire apartment complex was. That’s one of the reasons why Junhong had chosen the complex in the first place._

 

 _Maybe if the walls had allowed_ _even a small amount of voice to pass,_ _Jongup wouldn't have committed the biggest mistake of his life and Junhong wouldn't have been hurt the way he was._

 

_*****_

 

_"Hyung. H-hyung. P-plea-plea-please hyung!" Junhong begged the elder who was almost half passed out. He had Junhong tied down to his bed, his face facing the mattress, his hands tied behind his back with the boys T-shirt and his pants almost off._

 

 _Jongup_ _pressed his naked body over the younger boy's, as his fingers found their way to the place they'd enter._

 

_*****_

 

 _"Argh! Argh! Hyu- Argh!" Junhong tried to speak, to form coherent words, through his Jongup’s painful thrusts. But seeing as moans of agony were the only things that escaped his lips that had been bruised enough by the elder already,_ _Junhong just bit his lip to endure the pain. Letting his tears wet the pillow against which his cheek had been pounded on several times that night._

 

 _Jongup_ _was thrusting into him dry and rough and brutally, while simultaneously scratching his back with angered strokes._

 

_Tears wet the mattress where Junhong's face lay pressed against it. He bit his lips praying for the pain to stop but it didn't. For a long time, it didn't. He could feel the blood between his legs. He could feel his body twitch. He could feel his entire existence crumple. And he could feel pain. A lot of it._

 

 _After condensed centuries, Jongup_ _soon fell asleep still inside him. Junhong pushed the body of his ‘Favorite’ Hyung away and stepped away from the boy who lay dead to the world on the filthy bed. Falling to the ground,_ _he crawled into the far corner of the room, not daring to step out of it and let the world find out what happened._

 

 _Junhong cried the entire night. The blood drying between his legs. The tears never drying. His cell phone_ _blinking with Youngjae's_ _name._

 


	2. it stings like a wound freshly blotched

**Before**

Junhong looks over at the elder, tanned boy and bites his lips to keep his feelings in check. Presently, Jongup is talking to one of the female trainees. And it shouldn't be a big deal but clearly Jongup is flirting and that just boils Junhong's blood.

It's not that he and Jongup are dating. Far from that, actually. Jongup is like the moon to Junhong, who Junhong is allowed to admire only from the rooftop of his mind and nowhere closer. Because Jongup is not gay, and Junhong is. And this little one-sided crush that he harbors for the elder stings so bad.

Because Jongup merely speaking to a girl feels like being punched in the gut to Junhong. And maybe he doesn't only like Jongup. Maybe what he feels for Jongup is a little more than like. What with every time Jongup smiles at him, Junhong's resident stomach butterflies start fluttering with the ecstasy of a two year old. Or how Jongup calling him by his special nickname, Junhongie, has him rolling around the dorm room squealing like a little mouse.

It is a widely known fact that Junhong likes Jongup. One that is known by all, but Jongup.

So, obviously, Junhong hides it. Behind stubborn pranks and lazy eye rolls and too much skinship that he showers the other with. He’s more or less a shadow, a beaten dog most of the times when it comes to Jongup. But if it means he gets to spend a little more time with the boy, Junhong doesn’t mind what he has to become.

When Jongup pulls away from the girl who looks outright bored, Jongup must’ve started talking about anime again, Junhong races to the elder's side asking him to lighten up as he pulls him away. And Junhong couldn't be more proud of himself than he is when he makes Jongup smile.

And it hurts to see this. Because the others know. Because Junhong tries so hard to hide the pain he feels when Jongup ruffles his hair, but it's all platonic for him whereas Junhong's heart is doing the rumba. Because Jongup calls Junhong ‘Junhongie’ with affection, and he is the only who gets that privilege. Because Jongup is so painfully oblivious to Junhong's feelings towards him that he tramples all over the boy's heart in a single smile he sends towards a girl.

Because Junhong cries at night asking himself why he had to fall in love with, Jongup who could never love him back

*

"Junhongie!" Jongup yelled across the quiet dorm room. When Junhong raced out the kitchen with flour stuck to his cheeks, the elder chuckled as he walked closer to Junhong. The Mokpo boy's breath hitches but he gulps it down as Jongup brings a hand up to his cheeks and brushes off the flour at a snail's pace. "I need your hoodie" he says in an almost whisper and it takes Junhong a second to realize it wasn't the 'I love you' he was fantasizing about.

Junhong runs into his room, keeping as quiet as he can because the other members are sleeping, and brings back the grey hoodie he knows Jongup's talking about. Taking the hoodie, Jongup ruffles Junhong's hair fondly before exiting the apartment.

And it's all very platonic.

Because Jongup likes Junhong's hoodie and has been searching it online for weeks and only ordered it four days ago. And until it comes, Jongup plans on wearing Junhong's instead, because it is warm and fluffy and feels like home. It is solely for the purpose of wearing something and there is no hidden pleasure that Jongup receives because it's Junhong's hoodie, and Junhong knows this!

But, it still hurts. Because when Jongup returns the stupid piece of clothing, it won't be just a stupid piece of clothing. It'll be smothered in Jongup's scent and Junhong will never want to wash it.

Because, to him, it smells like Jongup. To him, it smells like home.

*

"You really like him, don't you?" Youngjae asked him, as Junhong stood opening the moving boxes. The younger boy looked back at his best friend and shot him a wry smile before turning back to his task of unpacking. After Yongguk had moved out, Himchan had followed. Then slowly Youngjae and Daehyun moved in together in Daehyun's parents apartment and before he knew it, Junhong was left alone in the dorm with Jongup.

It was one thing staying in an empty apartment with one of his band mates but, it was Jongup who was left with him and Junhong couldn't take that. So, a week after Himchan moved out, Junhong too found himself a decent apartment near the company building. Youngjae had dropped by to help pack up but Junhong knew it was more than just that.

"Does that really matter now, Youngjae Hyung?" Junhong asks with a dry chuckle.

Youngjae rolled his eyes as he set up the showcase with Junhong's certificates carefully framed. "It does when he asks you to let him stay over every night until he finds his own place." Junhong stiffens at that because he hadn't told the others of the arrangement.

Yes, Jongup had come to Junhong before the latter left and asked a simple favor that felt like carrying the world's weight on his shoulders. And it's not like Junhong's argument of, 'No, Hyung, you can't stay with me because I like you and it's wrong but if we're alone together I might never stop liking you' was a good enough answer.

So, generally, Junhong said yes.

Junhong turned to the boy and smiled simply as he stated, "it doesn't."

"It does dammit!" Youngjae ruffles his hair irritably as he heaves and bites out, "is he is so fucking oblivious that he can't see how much you're hurting!? Or is he just playing the fool and enjoying your pain!?"

The taller boy shrugs as he moves his attention back to his stereo that he was setting up "he doesn't know and we'll keep it like that." The Mokpo boy turns to look at the elder and quirks his eyebrow and reconfirms, "right?"

"...right."

*

Junhong fell hard on the floor as the music died down. His sweat flowing down his face as if he'd just come out of the shower. He lay down on his back looking at the ceiling, his breathing coming out in short gasps. His chest rising up and down as he took in labored breaths. Alone in the dimly lit studio, Junhong was once again practicing their new dance. Everyone knew he didn't need too but they also knew that he was a perfectionist so they didn't give it much heed. Youngjae was the only one who knew the real reason why Junhong was practicing to the point of death.  
  
It had happened the day they'd finished recording for ‘Feel So Good’. After three hours of nonstop dance practice, they were required to record their new song; and since time was a luxury they couldn't afford everyone was on pins and needles. They'd taken four hours already. And even though Junhong had given his all, a certain hyung remained dissatisfied.

_"Get your head on straight Junhong. Everyone is tired and everyone has done well. You're the only one who is fooling around here!" Jongup yelled._

_I’m Junhong ducked his head ashamed and muttered a feeble apology that was ignored by the yelling elder. Daehyun stared deadpanned at Jongup, glaring at him. Daehyun rarely ever got mad, and Jongup was most of the times exempt from his anger if he ever managed to get cross, but even he thought the anger was misplaced. Junhong had been at the studios since morning and yes, Jongup was beat tired from choreographing his first ever dance for a comeback, the boy was being unreasonable. Still, he bit his tongue to keep his anger at bay because they’d been recording the chorus for more than hour now, so he knew the frustration everyone rode in._

_Youngjae, on the other hand, livid with anger, stepped in front of Junhong blocking the boy and snapped back, "He did good enough. Even Yongguk Hyung said so. Why do you have to single him out every time?" He poked a finger into Jongup’s chest and spicily bit out, “I get that you’re tired. We all are! But don’t you give shit to Junhong just because you’ve anger management issues!”_

_Jongup boy didn't respond. He was too shocked at the elder’s tone. Youngjae never spoke this way to the younger members of the group - or with anyone for that matter. He never even took this tone with Daehyun or Junhong. But he didn't let his expression change. He grabbed hold of Youngjae's collar threateningly and spoke slowly into his face, "Next time think before you speak. Your dear old boyfriend is the one with anger management issue." He then pushed Youngjae forcefully before yelling out uncharacteristically and slamming out the door._

_No one made to follow him though. Comeback season always involved fights and swear words. Sometimes, fists would fly before Yongguk lost his patience and called out for a group meeting. This was a normal occurrence, so no one was too shocked with the outcome._

_And soon everyone was gone. Daehyun actually had to pull Youngjae out, who wouldn't let his glare divert from Jongup’s head. The others just stared morosely at Junhong before exiting too. They too felt bad for him but they also knew they could do nothing about this. They had to finish recording by tonight by any means._

A knock on the studios door roused Junhong from his thoughts. He saw Youngjae make his way towards him and he sat up smiling his eye smile. Youngjae smiled in return and asked as he sat down, "what was he saying when we left?"

Yongguk had pulled Jongup and Junhong back before sending everyone back home. Youngjae knew what might’ve gone down, having attended several of these meetings before, but he felt like he needed to ask Junhong. Just to ease the boy’s mind, at least.

Junhong rolled his eyes reaching for the chips packet in Youngjae's hands and said, "nothing much. Yongguk hyung yelled at us for a while. After which we recorded for two more hours until he was finally happy with the track." He sat munching the chips and Youngjae looking at him. In an afterthought he sadly admitted with a smile, "Jongup hyung didn't even say that I did a good job like he always does."

Youngjae didn't reply but Junhong could see him clench his jaw and fist his hands angrily at that. Junhong smiled internally at the thought of a friend like the boy next to him. "Let's go out for Soju." The elder of the two suddenly started but Junhong refused.

"You need to get back home Hyung. Daehyun Hyung must've been waiting up on you for a while now" said Junhong staring at the small clock in the room that read 12:53.

Youngjae shrugged his shoulders and stated, "he can wait."

Junhong eyed the boy suspiciously before asking "did you two fight again?"

The shorter boy smirked rather childishly and stated "No. I just wanna spend some quality time with my best friend is all."

Junhong stared back at his friend for a while before finally speaking, "you're a good friend, Jae. The best I'll ever have."

Youngjae smiled back and stood up reaching down to pull Junhong up with him as he stated with pride and gestured towards the younger boy, "well, I do learn from the best."

And with that they entered the elevator. Unaware that a certain boy had seen the scene. His stomach churning uncharacteristically at the way Junhong affectionately ruffled Youngjae's hair. The bottle of warm milk in hand, crushed a little.

**After**

  
Junhong wasn't picking up his phone. And had it been anyone else, Yongguk wouldn't have been in his emergency mode, but this was Junhong who never failed to pick up calls and was always at everyone's disposal, every time. The fact that Jongup was absent from the guest room of his apartment wasn't helping either. The man quickly put on his pullover from last night, wincing at the pain that shot through his cranium at the sudden movement and replayed the memories of last night.

_Flashback  
"Bottoms up!" Himchan shouted and literally shoved the soju bottle into Junhong's mouth, who sneakily drank a mouthful before shoving it into Daehyun's too eager, open arms._

_  
It was the 4th anniversary of their debut and their manager had advised them to "go all out tonight boys! Have fun! And freak out!" Which clearly translated to, 'Go out and drink like crazy and raid the karaoke place and be all out nuisances! But cover your faces please.'_

_You'd have thought the boys would take 'freak out' as a hint and hit up a strip club or a Korean hostess bar, but no. Currently, the boys were draped over each other in a dingy Karaoke room, namely the one they used to frequent together during the trainee days, and they were shit drunk. All except Junhong and Youngjae who were on a diet, and didn't want to break their great streak despite having permission to._

_And honestly, no one remembers anything after that. It was obvious that Yongguk and Himchan, who had been a little less under the influence, had taken taxis to their apartments and Youngjae had helped Daehyun back to their own. Junhong had decided to take a bus home too._

_Himchan did remember Junhong asking him to accommodate Jongup though. But, nothing after letting the other boy in._

_*****_

_"I don't think this is a good idea" Junhong mutters watching Himchan pull out the small pouch of pills from his jacket pocket._

_The elder rolls his eyes and shoves him lightly in the shoulders, grinning like crazy, the alcohol making his vision blurry. "Come on, Zelo-chirong." He slurs, giggling to himself. "You don't wanna drink, that's cool. But let us have some fun~~~"_

_Youngjae then rolls his eyes and wraps his arm around Junhong's shoulder, muttering in his ears, watching the elder pop two pills into the glass in front of him. "Let them be, Junhongie." He scoffs goodnaturedly slips his sparkling water as he continues, "besides, it won't kill him. And Jongup needs to have some before he dies. He's always so anal about doing drugs."_

_"And he should be!" Junhong exclaims almost offended. He turns to watch Daehyun add three more pills in the soju glass and then eyes Yongguk from who’s watching the scene with indifference. "I can’t believe Yongguk hyping isn't stopping his dumb boyfriend from doing dumb things”, Junhong mutters to him. "They are illegal for a reason. And Himchan hyung is crazy sometimes! Who gives ecstasy to a first timer!?"_

_Daehyun then roars from behind and slips between the two friends, completely sober. The boy's alcohol tolerance is obviously the highest of all. "Please~" He drones out, grabbing another soju glass and downing. "You're talking as if ecstasy is not a drug but poison. Don't be a dork, Junhong. He'll be fine."_

_Junhong is about to refute the boy for calling him a dork but cuts off when Jongup enters the karaoke room again. "I hate the bathrooms here." The boy mutters before falling into his seat opposite him._

_Himchan snickers as he pushes the soju glass towards the boy, "last glass of soju, Uppie."_

_All five of them, watch Jongup reach for the glass. Before he can even stop him Jongup has already gulped down the ecstasy drugged alcohol._

_And honestly, no one remembers anything after that.  
Flashback Over_

Yongguk had called everyone and Jongup was apparently nowhere in sight, which only meant that the boy was either at Junhong's or in some gutter hole near his apartment. So the leader grabbed his car keys and jacket and walked out the apartment. He would just have to drive to Junhong's apartment. He knew Junhong wasn't hung over because Junhong had clearly told him he was going to practice when he left the drunk Jongup in his care the night before. And he was the first person to pick up a phone at any given time. So it was odd that Junhong's phone wasn't getting connected.

Having driven to the boy's studio apartment at the speed of light, thanks to no traffic on dry days of course, the elder raced up the flight of stairs, the elevator had a huge line of workers, and soon was standing in front of the main door. He contemplated ringing the bell but realizing that the boy must be asleep, instead decided to just use the spare key he had.

When Yongguk opened the door, a normal apartment greeted him. He didn't know what he was expecting but a clean and fresh apartment was the last thing he'd expected to find. Nonetheless, he walked in closing the door behind him. He peeked into the kitchen to find some takeout food boxes on the counter. Rolling his eyes at the scene, the elder made a mental note to treat Junhong to some home cooked meals from time to time - courtesy of Himchan, of course.

Yongguk made his way to the living area, finding it spotlessly clean so he walked towards the two bedrooms. He first looked into the one in the right. The room was empty, even the bedsheets were perfectly kept. He couldn’t help but frown because he’d thought Jongup would’ve been sleeping in the guest bedroom but clearly that was not the case.

Yongguk sighed as he moved away from the bedroom. He entered the communal bathroom but seeing nothing in particular, made his way to the last room in the house. Junhong's room.

He twisted the door knob and entered the room without fear of waking the boy up. Junhong was known to wake up early after all. He walked into the room and what he saw made a shiver run down his spine as he took in the scene. Trying to make sense of it all.


	3. Because your rainy eyes, that gaze at me with guilt,

  
**Before**  
Junhong is staring at the elder with an unnerving gaze when Jongup enters the dorm and shoots him a smile. He crosses the room and leaving the empty couch, take a seat beside the Busan boy on the ground pillow, as he slumps his body over the younger boy's.

"I hate comeback season, Junhongie.", the main dancer drawls as he yawns and snuggles further into the younger boy's side.

Junhong hides a smile and asks in the gentlest of whispers he can articulate, "hard time at the studio?" The TV in front of them is muted, projecting a warm glow in the otherwise low lit apartment. The others, already tucked in bed.

Jongup muffles something along the lines of an affirmative and continues to cuddle with Junhong. Forgetting for a while the fact that he hates skinship. "Thanks for staying up for me." He murmurs sleepily. "I'd tell you to stop, but you're like the warmest person on earth so please keep waiting up for me, okay?"

With that Jongup drifts off into sleep, just like he does every night after long hours at the studio, producing tracks. And Junhong, just like he does every night, stays wide awake. The feeling of free falling into an abyss taking over his being.

Because he knows Jongup is being simply platonic when he says those things, but Junhong's heart doesn't let the knowledge damped the speed at which it beats.

*****

Jongup looks between the two boys fooling around and something feels heavy inside of him. He doesn't know what elicits this behavior, though.

Is it the way Youngjae teases Junhong about his height, making the younger of the two react with fake anger? Is it the way Youngjae grabs Junhong into what is meant to be a headlock, but turns into a friendly side hug? Maybe it is the way Junhong giggles when Youngjae calls him cool. Or it could be the way Youngjae never leaves the maknae's side.

Whatever it is, it sure doesn't sit well with Jongup. He doesn't like it when Junhong calls Youngjae, Jaejae. And he hates it, when these days he comes back home in the middle of the night to find the two boys snuggled in, what is supposed to be, Jongup and Junhong's corner watching some random action movie. Jongup detests when the two are always sharing food. And he especially abhors how Junhong still chooses to give Youngjae the time of the day, even after being shoved over and over again.

But, the thing Jongup hates the most is the fact that he doesn't know exactly why he feels this. Why does he feel this emotion he's never felt before? Why is he jealous?

*****

Junhong has just come home from his dance practice at the studio. He is late again. Jongup would've asked him where he'd been but he doesn't want to. He knows that Junhong will answer that he was with Youngjae and Jongup will end up just getting pissed and scold him. Though, the reason to warrant such a reaction is still unknown.

Instead the elder of the two roommates quickly sets the table up and calls Junhong out to eat. Daehyun has his arm slung over Junhong when he enters the kitchen and he doesn't know why, but Jongup feels his hands turn into fists. He didn't know the elder had tagged along. _What's wrong with you these days?_ he asks himself, as he bites his lips angrily when Junhong tenderly touches Daehyun’s eye to check if it is any better.

Jongup coughs to get their attention and when he does successfully he turns to Jungkook and asks him as he points towards his bruised face "mind telling me who you wrestled with to get that, Hyung?"

Daehyun smile turns upside down and his brows furrowed as he speaks. "Just Youngjae. We had a disagreement and ended up throwing fists at each other." The elder says with disappointment lacing his words.

Jongup is just about to ask him what this is all about but Junhong speak before he can utter a single word, "stop this Daehyun Hyung. He said he was sorry; he even knelt in front of you. That's enough. He said he was drunk right? Youngjae Hyung wouldn't have done it if he wasn't drunk."

"Stop taking his side on this matter Junghong!" Jungkook yells back at Junhong. And Jongup swears he can see a nerve twitch under Junhong's neck as he tries to pass over the anger. Daehyun doesn't take the hint though, and continues, "why do you always have to justify his actions!? Why do you always fucking do that?"

This earns the elder a punch in the face by the muscled boy, as Junhong says, irritated with Daehyun now, "because he's family and I don't judge family."

With that Junhong gets up and leaves but not before turning to his roommate with a pout and saying, "hyung I'll be back before midnight I promise." Whoever said he couldn't do aegyo hadn't seen Junhong when he wanted his way.

Jongup smiles involuntarily and nods a yes. He knows that he could get in trouble for letting the younger go out so late at night. But it's Junhong. Jongup don't know why he always ends up agreeing to his requests.

As Junhong leaves and Daehyun goes back to his apartment with and excuse of "I'm not hungry" Jongup realizes that he is actually smiling.

 _Why am I smiling?_ the tanned boy asks himself. _Why do I feel so happy seeing them fight like that? It's not right to feel this way. Wake up! Wake up you jerk! he mentally slaps himself._ "I shouldn't be so happy about them fighting." the boy tells himself. What's gotten into me?

That night, Jongup goes to bed with a smile.

 

**After**

Yongguk’s hands trembled by his side as he stared at the boy shivering in the corner, hiding his face. He also saw the older boy crouched next to him, looking helpless and scared. Both had tear tracks marking their cheeks. Yongguk quietly closed the door behind him but neither of the two made any gestures to show they were aware of his presence.

The eldest in the room moved closer to the boys to find Junhong crouched in a fetal position, crying. Shaking and shivering and sobbing. His entire body, wounded. Like he was beaten. And with Jongup muttering incoherent 'Sorrys' and 'Forgive Mes', it didn't take a genius to understand that the pale boy had somehow hurt Junhong in his drunken stupor.

What made Yongguk do a double take were a couple of odd things though. Firstly, Junhong's back looked like it had been scratched repeatedly, but Yongguk couldn't conjure up a scenario where a fight between the two could end up in scratches. His wrists were red as if they'd been bound; that didn't make sense either. Next thing Yongguk noticed, was the blood on Junhong's boxers and between his legs. _What the..._ And the last thing he noticed, was the mattress.

The pillows were ruined. Bed sheets and covers on the floor. The mattress itself ruined. Basically it looked like someone had drove a truck over the thing. What caught it his eyes, though, was the mix of semen and blood, that smeared the entire lower area of the mattress.

The eldest boy's blood ran cold as realization hit him like a car crash. He looked back at the boys to find the elder of the two staring at him with hurt flashing in his eyes. Jongup's eyes had turned red with his tears as he looked vulnerable. That was the first time Yongguk had seen him cry. And it was probably the first time that he saw the emotion cross his face. Fear.

Yongguk fell to his knees as the elder boy looked at him with pleading eyes. As if begging him to turn back time. He then looked at Junhong and let his tears fall. Junhong's shivering body making everything so much more clearer in his mind.

After what felt like ages, his voice found him and he moved towards the younger boy. He was ignoring the elder. Junhong was the one who needed him right now. Jongup could wait.

He placed a hand on Junhong's shoulder and felt him freeze under the touch. With shaking pupils and blinking eyes, Junhong turned to him. The moment he registered that it was his Yongguk hyung and not Jongup, Junhong let out a cry of agony as he shoved his head into the elder's open arms.

Yongguk took the younger boy fiercely into his embrace. His own sobs turning to inaudible whimpers as he pressed the boy's face into his chest, swaying in a comforting manner. Like a mother trying to calm down her crying son. The elder tried to form comforting words to calm the boy down, but Junhong seemed to have finally opened the dam to his hurt. He cried and cried and cried. And Yongguk held him through it all.

He would spare a glance or two at the other boy in the room, but would quickly look away. The pain in Jongup's eyes made him weak and he didn't want that. Because right now, Junhong was the one who needed him. And it was clear what happened in the room last night. Yongguk put two and two together and the answer was staring at him right in the face in the form of a scarred and traumatized Junhong and a broken yet guilty Jongup.

All the while only one thought ruled his brain. _How am I going to handle this? What am I supposed to do?_ However, it seemed he needn't worry of that. Because when Junhong pulled away from the embrace after several minutes of uncontrollable sobbing, he looked into the elder's eyes and said, begged, "don't tell anyone hyung. Please. Don't let anyone know."

And Yongguk nodded a yes, as Jongup beside him went numb. He was staring at Junhong with an open mouth.

 _So what now? Is it that simple!? Doesn't he understand how things could change!? Is that all that concerns him!? Are we supposed to just pretend that nothing ever happened!?_ Jongup yelled in his mind. Yongguk voiced his thoughts as he asked, "Junhong. We can't act like nothing happened. Are you telling me to pretend that I don't know? And how are you going to go be with each other now? People will realize. Look Junhong, I know it's hard and-"

Junhong cut him short as he gently explained, his voice was hoarse from screaming from the night before. His words, quivering with effort, "no one needs to know hyung. We're at a very important point in our career. We can't let... something so..." He looked away to stare at his fingers and continued, "small come in the way." The younger boy looked up at the eldest hyung and tried to smile as he said, "it'll take some time. I'm not saying it won't. But I'll be fine." Junhong looked away, keeping eye contact was proving to be impossible to him, and said, "for the time being, please help us keep a distance. I- I don't th- think I'll be okay so soon."

Yongguk grabbed the boy in one more hug as he muttered an "Okay". He wanted to object but Junhong needed peace of mind right now. He wasn't thinking straight, the elder decided and agreed with the boy's request for now. When he pulled back he looked into Junhong's eyes and it was like his entire being was shattered. And Yongguk realized just how brave the boy really was.

"Do you need me to help you get changed?" The leader asked in a quiet voice, caressing the boy's cheeks in gentle care.

Junhong looked away as more tears started to flow down his cheeks. He bit his lips as he muttered, "I- I want..." The boy looked up with fear marring his expressions and whispered as if speaking any louder would be a crime, "can I be alone? For some time?"

And Yongguk wanted to say no. He wanted to refuse and never let Junhong be alone. He wanted to lock boy in his embrace so as to hide him from all things bad. But, he knew what this meant to Junhong. Yongguk knew that him staying there wouldn't do the boy much good. As much as it hurt to admit it, this was something Junhong had to go through alone. For now at least.

So the eldest got up and pulled the other boy away. Jongup had been staring at Junhong the entire time. The younger squirming under his gaze. Even as Yongguk pushed the boy out of the room, Jongup stared at Junhong. Even when Yongguk closed the door on him, Jongup stared at the door. He couldn't believe the amount of sacrifice Junhong was capable of. And he hated him himself.

 

 


	4. remind me of the darkness; the deed

Junhong had sneaked out the house and into the studio as soon as Himchan had left him. It had been three days since the incident, and Himchan had spent them in Junhong's apartment taking care of the boy. Junhong couldn't help but feel a little proud to have a hyung like him. Despite all their fights, he knew he could always fall back upon the elder when he need to.

Himchan wouldn't let Junhong out of his sight though, claiming that his wounds hadn't healed yet and that he should rest some more. But Junhong wasn't the type to "rest". His dictionary didn't have a word like that.

They were going to make comeback in a month and Junhong wanted to make sure he was well prepared. He was a perfectionist when it came to performing. He put the CD with their latest songs in and clicked on the title song. Soon as the music flooded the studio a smile made its way to his lips. The first one in days.

And he danced. It hurt and he felt like he was being torn inside. The wounds on his body pained as if they'd never been healed. But, Junhong was tougher than he let out. He bit his teeth and kept dancing. Letting his body sway to the music.

This time their comeback focused more on the choreography than the performance, so Junhong found himself jumping, sliding, and making sudden movements a lot. At one point in the choreography he had to do a mid air somersault and land on the ground with a split. That was the most excruciating of all. His wounds down there hadn't healed yet, so every time he did the split he could feel the muscles down there cry out in agony.

But Junhong being Junhong, simply grit his teeth and kept on dancing. Not noticing the blood that had started to flow down the inside of his legs. Only when he slipped on his own sweat on the ground, landing his head harshly on the tiles, did Junhong see it. His blood splattered on the floor in drops. And that was when he felt the pain.

He quickly got up, as quickly as his body could allow, and first cleaned the blood with the shirt he was wearing. Horrified at the thought that someone might notice, Junhong swiftly stashed his bloodied T-shirt into the duffle bag he’d carried to the studio. He then took his clothes bag and walked into the bathroom to change.

The warm water did nothing to soothe the pain he felt between his legs, but Junhong wouldn't cry. He grit his teeth, washed himself, and donned his clean clothes back on. The boy then decided it was time he went back home now. Though he wasn't quite satisfied with his practice that day, it would have to suffice. Junhong cringed at the thought of Himchan finding out. He could only imagine how the elder would scold him for opening the wounds again.

Junhong quickly hide the bloodied clothes deeper into his bag and opened the door. Not expecting a certain elder to be there when he walked back into the studio.

*****

"Did you make up with Daehyun yet, Youngjae?" Yongguk questioned the boy, shoving his shoulder lightly with his own. They were on a break from recording song guides, snacking on triangle kimbaps.

Youngjae rolled his eyes, a light frown creasing across his forehead, exclaimed in a failed attempt to sound annoyed "I'll talk to him today, okay?"

Yongguk snickered as he put an arm around the younger man and ruffled his hair as said, "I know it’s hard, Youngjae. But you don’t want a petty fight getting in the way of your relationship, do you?." He let go of the other and grinned as he said, "for what it’s worth, Daehyun came at my place last night to talk about the incident. He’s just as sorry, Jae.”

Youngjae rubbed his neck, guilty, and said in a small voice, "Sometimes I feel like it’s too much, Hyung." He turned his body to Yongguk’s and said, "this relationship. Our feelings for each other. It’s too… toxic."

Yongguk frowned slightly at the boy seated in front of him. His words sounding more severe than they should. “It was a stupid fight, Jae.” He reminded the younger. “Over you not attending his musical on Friday. It’s not that big of a deal.”

Youngjae bit his lips and look up at the elder. His eyes were glistening with what could’ve been I shed tears. An emotion close to despair in his eyes. It hurt Yongguk to look at the boy this way. Because Youngjae was never this broken.

“It hurts, Hyung.” He mumbled, looking back at the half eaten kimbap in his hands. “But I like him too much.”

Yongguk thought Youngjae might’ve just been acting a little too dramatic due to all the emotional stress of the comeback and Daehyun, so he chose to ignore the boy’s desperate expression. Instead, Yongguk reached over to ruffle Youngjae’s hair, smiling gently. “If you like him, Jae, then why are you so worried? Love hurts, Youngjae. That doesn’t mean you should stop loving. It means you just gotta love harder.”

Youngjae’s eyes shone when he said that, but this time they were hopeful. “Y- you’re right, Hyung.” He wiped a few stray tears that have started trailing down his eyes, and turned to Yongguk with almost giddy excitement. “It’ll work out. It’s just a fight after all. I just need to make up with Dae.”

The elder man smiled happily at the boy and patted his head before turning back to his cellphone. His break was just about over so Yongguk got to his feet to get back to the recording studio again. Just as he turned to the door though, Junhong stepped out of bathroom. Youngjae heard the sound of the bathroom door opening and turned his attention towards it too.

The two elder boys smiled at Junhong and Youngjae called out his name, "Junhong-ah!"

  
***** ⚠

The moment Junhong stepped out of bathroom he could hear the blood rushing in his ears. He took one look at his hyungs and he felt like all the air in his body was forced out of him.

During the three days that he was looked after by Himchan, Junhong hadn't left his room even once. Be it for food or anything else. Himchan provided it for him. Even on his way to the studio today, Junhong had successfully avoided everyone in an attempt to avoid Himchan. Now, as he stood in front of his two hyungs Junhong began to understand exactly why Himchan had kept him from going out.

His knees shook as he looked at the two boys, who had started getting concerned now.

"Junhong-ah?" Yongguk said. Junhong flinched at the words as he started to hyperventilate.

Both Youngjae and Yongguk sprang to their feet when they saw how Junhong ducked his head, trying to not look at them. He held his ears in his hand and pressed his eyes a little too tight, as if he was watching something horrifying. Or rather re-living it.

Youngjae and Yongguk raced to his side, both bending down a little to look at Junhong's face that he had hidden in his chest as he crouched into a fetal position.

 _What is wrong with me? What's wrong with you Junhong!? Breathe! Breathe you fool!_ Junhong yelled at himself. He just couldn't understand what was happening to him and why.

Youngjae and Yongguk grew increasingly concerned as time passed. Junhong never behaved like this. They just couldn't figure out why he was acting like this. Why was he blocking his ears as if listening to a single breath would kill him? Why was his eyes shut as if a single ray of light would blind him? Why was he breathing heavy as if he was underwater?

They didn't understand. They didn't know.

That Junhong had his ears blocked because he could hear the angry, lustful grunts of his Jongup Hyung while he screamed for mercy. That he had his eyes shut tight because he could see his Jongup Hyung tear his clothes off him as Junhong cried for him to stop. And that he was breathing heavy because he could feel his Jongup Hyung's body pressed against his own.

They didn't know that he was having a panic attack.

 _Stop it! Stop it! Stop thinking about it!_ Junhong scolded himself as the images of that night became more vivid. _It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter! He held himself tighter and yelled to himself to see reason. You're a man! A man! Men don't get raped! There's No SUCH THING Junhong! So, stop this! Nothing happened! It was Nothing!_

But, wasn't nothing. Junhong just didn't know it. He just wouldn't admit it.

Youngjae, worried for his dongsaeng, bent down beside the boy and placed his arm around him. If only he had known the effect it would have on the boy.

Junhong jerked at the touch and moved away. He crawled back like a scared little child looking at Youngjae with wild eyes. Confused Youngjae made to move towards him again calling out his name, "what's wrong Junhongie?"

That nickname. Junhongie. The very nickname that he had started to hate resounded in his ears. It felt like it echoed along the walls.

 _Get of a hold of yourself, You bastard!_ Junhong scolded himself once again. _Look at them! They are worried for you! They won't hurt you! So, stop this madness!_

But his body seemed to think otherwise.

Soon as his eyes registered Youngjae moving closer, Junhong sprang to his legs and ran out of the studio. Running as fast as his tired legs could take him, Junhong ignored the cries of his two members as he raced towards his bike.

He just needed to get out of there.

Unfortunately, he was all too aware of the people around him now.

Youngjae and Yongguk exchanged concerned looks before racing out the door to find the boy.

Junhong had already fainted in the third-floor corridor while running down the stairs.


End file.
